Unraveling

I just spent a good half an hour sitting in my car in a parking spot in front of the apartment bawling my eyes out. The 3 hours before that I spent at the gym doing yoga, a short run, and pilates. And 30 mins before that I found out I am, again, unemployed.

This is month 6. I have held it together. Small bouts of depression here and there, but so far I've pulled myself up and made it through. And I know I will again, but this time, it will be harder. This brief fling with work and having it snatched away again is breaking me.

Writing this is hard but, hopefully, therapeutic. The overwhelming flood of tears and disappointment is crushing. Walking up my stairs and through my door felt like a death sentence. The thought of telling BF the news feels like the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Clearly, my mind is out of whack right now.

Even as I type through the weeping, I know...this isn't so bad, BF and I have and will both deal with much more world crushing news. But I can't feel that. I feel like there is a 10 ton weight sitting on my chest making breathing quite a chore. I feel like the walls of my apartment are closing in. I want to pack my suitcase and book a flight back to the Midwest and curl up on the couch next to my mom, sister, and best friend. No words, I just want everyone else to disappear and leave me alone. I want the sun to hide and the rain to pour to match my mood and calm my nerves.

I don't mean to scare anyone...I just need to get this out so I don't breakdown completely...and I need some water....