Give me a sign already!!

While commenting on One Little Fish's insight I had a mini revelation....(is that the right word?)

She talks about the messages the universe puts in front of us to help guide us through life's many conundrums; her messages come through music.

As I was writing about my envy for her insight it hit me! My messages come in different forms. I am still envious because only one form is clear to me:

Warning pop into my head, just in and out. Almost like a mini vision that is very easy to ignore and shake. There are two warnings that still haunt me for their clarity.

When I was about 8 years old my mother, step-dad, and I were moving into a new apartment. My mother had a beautiful antique mirror that she adored which hung over her dresser. We had hired movers to take care of all the furniture and most boxes. As the movers arrived I mumbled to my mother that the mirror will break. She gave me an odd, slightly concerned look, and continued down her to-do list as we were in a moving frenzy.

When we finally arrived at our new home, the movers were waiting with sad news - my mom's treasured mirror was broken. She just looked at me with a bit of awe. She still tells that story and takes extra precautions whenever I have a "feeling" about anything.

The second warning hit me just moments before my "lucky" (and only) car accident. I went to college about 75 miles from home. I would come in about 2-3 weekends per month to see my family and BF (same one!). This particular trip was right after my 21st birthday. It was the first Midwestern snow storm of the season - and my first winter as a driver. About 20 miles from home, while moving out of the left most lane, I hit a patch of black ice. I lost complete control of my car, spun straight across the entire FIVE lanes of oncoming traffic, and came to a stop after making-out with the guard rail. I call this my "lucky" accident because ... well FIVE lanes of traffic and not a single car hit me. Had they...this might be a VERY different story. I came out of it with only bad case of the shakes (from fear and shock) and I was close enough to home that BF was able to grab a cab to come rescue me and my car.

Back to the point...before all this happened, I knew it would. About 20 miles into my trip (30 miles before the accident) I was bopping along to music on the freeway at a lightning 40mph and I suddenly just froze in terror. I knew there was an accident on my horizon. I shook it off and kept on driving. I mean, what exactly was I supposed to do, turn around? I am a firm believer in destiny, I believe if I HAD turned around, an accident still would have occurred; and maybe it wouldn't have been as lucky.

When my mom heard my story post accident she just shook her head and said I shouldn't have been in such a rush, I didn't give "it" enough time to warn me. To this day, when I tell her about any feeling or "vision" or dream I have she begs me to take it to heart. But I try not to, because many times it is just a bit of fear or paranoia...this is why I need to figure out how else the universe communicates with me. Then maybe I could filter messages from fears and Law-and-order induced paranoia!

Thank you, and you, and you and....Linky Linky Edition

First off - My apologies for my lack of blogging and my downer attitude lately. I'm still in a bit of a funk, but now I am making an effort to be gentle with myself about it and slowly work through it. What I have been doing lately is forcing myself into good moods and not actually dealing with the situation(s) at hand. So, in an effort to pull myself out of this in a healthy and sustainable way, I will be sharing more and more.

To start I want to thank everyone who sent me good wishes on both twitter and through my blog. Having a place to vent my nuts-o-ness is very very helpful.

In addition to writing, reading is great therapy. I finally caught up on my Google Reader today (after a week long hiatus) and found that there are so many people facing the same struggles or who have overcome them. My reads always leave me inspired and relaxed. I figure I should stop taking that for granted...

Here's a taste of what I've been relating too and drawing strength from:

On Money:

FCN listed some *interesting* money making ideas...I'm not beyond considering some of them!

J.D. at Get Rich Slowly helped me avert some spending by considering these questions....well, he hasn't yet, but he will next time I leave the house. This should be really helpful in achieving my "don't by anything (even food) until you've exhausted all options already available at HOME" goal (more on my recent goals to come).

Free From Broke discussed using Google calendar to stay on top of bills. I used to do that but have neglected to track much of anything since losing my job in October. Time to shape up...not having a job should not = laziness and inefficiency!!

Leo at Zen Habits suggested some HUGE ways to save. Got me thinking about my car. I love, Love, LOVE it! But, given the fact that the payment alone eats up a huge chunk of my unemployment, I am finding it hard to justify keeping it for anything other than "I WANT". I really need to put some serious thought into this. Any opinions out there??

Kevin at lifehacker reminded me to get off my self-pittying butt and get on those credit card companies to help me take a load off!!

Revanche got me thinking about my own pride and insecurities about asking for/accepting financial help. Just being on unemployment makes me feel like a giant leach...and don't even get me started how much I feel like a gold-digging jerk for having a wonderfully patient BF who is happily helping me make it through this shitty economy. Now, if it ever comes to having to ask someone else for help...Jeebus help me, I might just explode!

On Productivity (or lack there-of):

Blunt Money hit the nail on the head. I am also guilty of putting off things that I don't understand; even more, I put off things that just seem overwhelming. This, of course, only makes them seem more and more unmanageable. Kind of like writing over the last couple weeks....

The Wisdom Journal really struck a cord with me in this post. I definitely see-saw between these two mindsets. Recently, though, I have been nothing but a feeler: I've let my fears and hardships cloud my life. Not good, not good.

Zen Habits guest post by UrbanMonk was incredibly motivating. I'm going to give his exercise a try and report back.

On my Career/Job/Future:

On the plus side - Squawkfox brightened my day by telling me my resume is actually in pretty good shape; being action-word laden and all!

Another one from Zen Habits that helped me out. Jonathan just put into writing all the things I already know about myself. I am frightened, insecure, and afraid of judgment ... and it's holding me back. I have a plan to overcome this...

J.D.'s post at Get Rich Slowly about Finding Jobs right now gave me a swift kick in the arse and reminded me that giving up is not an option.

FCN is helping me overcome some of that fear I keep talking about. I am starting to formulate a plan, and this post come into play when I work on it. (I'll fill you all in soon!)

On Health, Fitness, & Sanity:

Over at Paid Twice I'm reminded that despite my own "problems", others need support with theirs. This post inspired me to reevaluate my own goals AND stop being so selfish and narrow minded about my situation.

Totally relating to L.L. I spent a beautiful weekend on a beach with my BF while having Pink Eye! UGH!! Our intimacy consisted of him carefully grabbing my face and kissing the "healthy side" Sooooo romantic! lols

Ms. Caitlin inspired my yummy lunch today. Check out my food photo-journal in the sidebar.

I've also been drawing strength and support from One Little Fish. I hope she doesn't lose faith in people completely! We're still out there! *Hugs* and Strength, One Little Fish.

And, of course, some funnies:

Searching for the yeti lists 9 words women use. I am guilty! So going to try and get BF to comment on all of these! I'll report back ... *must find tape recorder*

My kitties heartily agree with this little cutey:

And there are soooo many more bloggers out there that I adore and read daily. Thank you all for having the courage to share your lives! :)

Back from the Dead

Sorry I've been kinda MIA. Got a little down about the job hunt and dealt with the worst bout of PMS I've had in about 3 years. Cramps, irritability, extreme bloating....seriously, not sure why it hit me so bad this time!

ANYWAY, I'm Back :-D

...and with some good news! I have work! At least for the month of March, maybe more...
Even more exciting is that I am working with a good friend, former colleague, and mentor; so I am learning a TON!

Only difficult part (other than giving up all the "me time" I got used to since October) is working from home. It's nice in that I can get up and make healthy snacks and lunches etc when necessary and tend to little things that come up around the house. But my home no longer feels like a sanctuary, I feel a little like I am never really "off" for the day which makes it harder to relax in the evening and harder to focus when working. And it's putting a little strain on BF and me (but that's really just adjusting to the change)

I'm hoping over the next few weeks I'll find ways to make it more comfortable. First thought is a TV for our bedroom...

I've historically been against the TV in bedroom idea and BF has always really wanted one in there. And now I think it might not be a bad idea. Since my "office" area is kind of attached to the living room, it would be nice to be able to escape from it completely into another room to unwind and watch some TV.

Does anyone have any other thoughts on making a home office work in a 1 bedroom apartment?

Things I like today....

1. FINALLY having some interviews. Not 100% sure on how these will pan out but at least I am finally getting some positive responses and meeting. Much needed ego-boost!

2. Big city career fashion. The power of a great pair of slacks, crisp collared shirt, funky yet professional heels and a black belted trench is so awesome. I love it, I miss it, I WANT it. It's been so refreshing to suit up and walk the SF financial district between interviews. I felt human again.

3. Feeling wonderfully sore. I exercise A LOT, so I rarely feel much soreness anymore. Since last Thursday, however, I've taking a few new athletic conditioning classes and man have I felt them! I love that "proof" of physical improvement.

4. Playing relationship counselor. I'm honored to be asked to be someone's ear and shoulder in trying times. Even more, I am absolutely flattered to be asked for advice. And most thrilling - realizing just how much BF and I have grown and how much I've learned about successful relationships and all that goes into them. I feel blessed.

5. Playing phone tag with the baby sis. Yes, I would love to actually talk to her, but the tag is fun too. We always leave each other goofy messages back and forth; they make my day.

6. My kitties. I just want to squeeze them, and pinch them, and hug them, and dance with them, and baby talk them.....yeah, I know, it's really torture to them (and BF). But they are just so darn cute and loving; I can't help it!

7. Pasghetti.....mmmmm

8. TV time with BF...now! Yay!

Toodles! :)

You know you've been unemployed for WAY too long when...

1. you don't want to leave your computer to go pee because you might miss something....on the internet

2. you see BF sign off of his work IM screen name and think "shit, I should probably put on some real clothes & brush my teeth!"

3. ...and 20 minutes later you finally jump up and start doing that.

4. you become a pro at washing the dishes, throwing out the trash, cleaning the litter box, sweeping the floors, dusting, vacuuming, and making the bed in under 15 minutes.

5. you update facebook/twitter/blogger/etc. at least every 30 minutes.

6. you also refreshed each of the above mentioned networks every 5 minutes to see is anyone responded to your updates…and you kinda feel betrayed when they haven’t.

7. you finally catch up on everything in your Google reader....

8. and panic because that means you might have to leave your computer!

9. you consider canceling lunch/dinner/breakfast dates because it would interfere with your blogging/facebook watching schedule

10. you start eating and drinking in the kitchen over the sink to avoid creating more dirty dishes (that would royally interfere with your 5pm cleanup routine)

11. expiration dates become suggestions ....

12. and you fill the empty fruit bowl in the kitchen with decorative yarn balls to avoid going to the grocery store.

13. you forget how to remove the gas cap because you haven't had to pump gas in about 8 weeks...

14. and sometimes you just forget how to drive altogether.

Now, I am not saying I am guilty of all these things...

But then again I'm not saying I'm not guilty of all of these either.....

What do you find yourself doing when unemployed (or just massively bored/unmotivated)?

Journey to Debt - Part 3 - Leading to the Now

(You can catch up here -> Part 1 - Student Live, Part-2 - Post Graduation)

Finally, in late 2008, the fruit of my attempts began to show. I had paid off all my store cards, paid off my lasik surgery bill, paid off my smallest major CC balance, and was only $3,000 from paying off the next card so I could tackle the largest one. And then, as soon as I started to breath a sigh of relief, I got laid off.

The amazing thing is, since October, my credit card balance has remained steady, my car and student loan balances have gone down, and I have a (very small) emergency fund (thank you severance)! My (seemingly) worst financial crisis turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to my finances. The minute we got laid off it all snapped into place. All those worries about finances and priorities just aligned. I suddenly understood the difference between "need" and "want". I realized my 30 pairs of shoes and multitude of dresses and skirts did nothing for me beyond the fleeting moment of excitement of wearing them for the first time.

There were still hard moments leading to the here and now. Making it through the holidays without touching my credit cards was by far the most difficult part. I, like my mom, have always been a very generous gift giver. I value and adore my family and friends, and I want them to know it! This made buying Christmas gifts on a budget very emotionally trying for me. In the end, I probably spent more than necessary, but at least I didn't touch my cards or my severance. That was a huge step for me.

Since the Holidays I've limited shopping to needs only. I've made it a point to not touch my remaining severance EVEN for bills. I have been paying for bills and groceries with my unemployment insurance (BF pays for rent) and I have only purchased 2 "cute" items (an adorable purse that was only $13 and dress for $16 both on major clearance).

The best moment came last week. I had an interview at a pretty cool company. Given that I have dropped 2 complete dress sizes since my last job hunt, I needed a suite jacket. I had a pair of great pants but no blazer. So I popped into the mall on my way to the interview, picked up a jacket that perfectly matched my pants and a pair of shoes that didn't make me want to kill someone from blinding pain. The total cost came to $200.

Normally, that sudden but needed expense, would have sent me into a worry induced migraine. But it didn't. I left my local mall with only what I needed in hand and with no anxiety about overdrafts or interest rates. It was amazing. After just three weeks of NOT shopping and NOT submitting to my wants and NOT putting myself in tempting situations and paying my bills FIRST I had learned (sort of) to manage my money.

I get it now; finally, 3.5 years after entering the "real world" I get it. I'm glad I did not get a job sooner because I believe I would have just continued my selfish spending habits. I'm ready to find a job now, a job I like, not just need. And I am confident that within 12 months of getting said job, I will be free of credit card debt, almost free of student and car loan debts, have a less-tiny emergency fund, and will be helping BF save for our wedding (and maybe rent, he'd love that!).

I know the challenges are far from over, but I finally feel I am appropriately armed to take them on. I plan to add a Part 4 to this series in 2010 telling you I made it out!

*Note: This is the final "official" part, but I'm sure there will be more on this is the future of LFMM :-)

Journey to Debt - Part 2 - Post Graduation

(You can catch up here -> Part 1 - Student Live)

I graduated with a mere $1,000 of credit card debt and about $12,000 in student loans. All in all, I did pretty well. I had landed an internship my senior year that turned into a well paying full time position upon graduation. I moved in with BF and we split some bills but he took the brunt of them while I was "paying off my loans."

This takes us to right before things got COMPLETELY out of hand. I look back at the years above and just want to go back and scream at myself! Throughout those years I felt pinched for cash. I allowed myself every luxury (by college student standards) but when it came to bills, books, rent, gas - I was always at a loss. That should have sent off sirens, alarms, bells; I should have WOKEN UP. But, I didn't.

Three months after I graduated with a BS in Accounting (yes, I know, kinda ironic) BF received a career breaking job offer in California. It was a dream! So we moved and realized that dreams don't come easy.

I spent the first year in a pretty depressed state. In addition to the relationship pressures of my graduation and us moving in together, add to that moving clear across the country with absolutely NO network except on high school friend of BF. This was the rockiest time in our relationship and, to date, our lives.

When I finally snapped out of my depression, got a job at a fun young company, and made some friends, I was stunned. In my state of depression I had racked up a whopping $20,000 in credit card debt, purchased a new used car for another $17,000 after taxes and interest, and had BF fully furnish the apartment, with furniture we ended up hating, to fill the empty space. It was a rude awakening to say the least.

Since then I have struggled to pay down my debt. Between BFF's weddings, trips home, Christmases, birthdays, socializing, etc - it was hard. Every time I made headway, something came up and brought me back to my starting point.

I look back now and realize I wasn't really into the debt reduction. I was letting debt control me instead of taking control of it.

Journey to Debt - Part I - Student Life

As a child, money was never a topic of discussion in my household. When I was a teenager, my parents split and it was my mom, lil' sis, and me. My mom had a job that paid the bills and, seemingly, allowed for a fashionable and fun lifestyle. In reality she was up to her eyeballs in debt and was choosing to ignore it.

My mom would always say that we were low on money then turn around and blow $500+ in a weekend shopping for lil' sis and me. And this was a pretty regular occurrence. As I got older I started to understand a LITTLE bit more.

I started my first job at 16 and made roughly $100 per week. Since I had never really handled more than about $20 at a time, I was THRILLED. This meant I could go shopping and buy what I wanted when I wanted! So I did. At the time I didn't know much about high fashion and designers so the $100/week pretty much allowed me enough freedom to buy just about anything I wanted.

As I got close to college I learned a little bit more. I learned that I should never get into credit card debt, but having a credit card is important to "build credit" (didn't quite know what that meant yet). So, I went off to college with my credit card in hand. I barely used it, and when I, did I paid it almost in full each time, keeping just a small balance to "build credit". I worked a couple small jobs on campus, had a pretty decent financial aide package (including loans), and received financial support from my mom.

In my first year of college I accumulated close to $10,000 in student loan debt (that school actually cost $30,000/year, so I made out ok). I knew that wasn't good so I transfered schools. I ended up at a respected state university, a bit farther from home, with my tuition completely covered and a federal loan for other living costs. My mom bought me a used car, paid in full (by her home equity line of credit, ugh), and sent me on my way.

I used my biannual loan disbursments to buy books and go shopping. Sometimes the money went to my pay off my credit card, sometimes it went to rent and bills, but I never saved. I believed that as long as I kept my credit card balance under contol, I was golden. And with the financial support from my mom, I didn't really think twice. I knew she was in credit card debt and was proud of me for keeping my balance under control. That had to mean I was on the right track.

Bits of Joy

I was immensely happy today, for no particular reason. I thought I'd share some of the things that made me smile today!

1. My kitties giving me loads of hugs all day and this adorable post that is just like them:

2. I only paid $13.95 to get my taxes done start to finish on TaxACT. I compared the final numbers with what TurboTax or TaxCut would have given and they were exactly the same. Who doesn't love saving $35?!?

3. The BF graciously helped me with some homework and sent me some good references for future help. I know it's silly, but I always feel like a million bucks when he thinks of me for the little things through out the day :-)

4. I caught myself singing out loud everything I thought all morning ... and that really made me happy!

5. This story that was just on Consumerist and this one that I found in SSG's blogroll because they were just HIGH-larious.

6. Two friends and former colleagues sent me great job opportunities. It's great to know I'm remembered!

7. My baby sis sent me some pics of her an her pink hair and latest romantic fling. I so love seeing her happy.

8. My job interview (for my fall back career)was eye opening but good. Not sure if it was great, but it made me realize that I definitely want to stick with my career change and not panic and fall back just because times are a bit tough.

9. People are reading my blog! you guys are the best <3

10. Sunny California weather. *crossing fingers that the unseasonably warm weather lasts*

11. The stew I made yesterday was delish today!

Beautiful Fakeness

This post drives me nuts. Okay, not the article itself, but the subject matter and how it manifests in my life. (I think the article is pretty great and I should probably print and post it right between my two computer monitors.)

In the last 15 months I have completely revamped my body. By all "normal" standards I look and feel pretty good. I am able to run 13 miles without collapsing, I can comfortably wear a size 4 in most brands and I can (sometimes) confidently wear a bikini where appropriate. I should feel proud of myself, and most of the time I do (except PMS days).

But then, at least weekly, I will look at a magazine or watch a TV show and I find myself wondering how much more weight I would need to lose to look like that! I'm a smart girl; I know that those actresses and models are touched up and caked with layers of makeup. But I can't help it, I still compare myself to them on occasion. These moments are rather rare in comparison to my "before" days, but on some rough days all I can do is scarf down chocolate cake and stare at the women I will never be .. and it still hurts, still makes me feel inadequate, and still makes BF want to throw all my magazines and the TV out the window.

And who can blame him! He's smart enough to know those women aren't real, or if they are, they aren't healthy. Why shouldn't I know that? I spent 15 months revamping my life only to fall back into these moments of self loathing. It's ridiculous. And even more ridiculous, is the magazines. Every magazine I read preaches "love yourself" "be healthy" "don't diet, get fit" etc etc. But yet, they airbrush the models accompanying those messages to be thinner and more "flawless" than they already are. Why the all this pain causing hypocrisy?

I have to say though, after exploring the links that Elizabeth provided about touch ups, I don't feel quite so inadequate.

PS. this also makes me wonder if the "fat" celebrity photos are touched up to make them look worse than they actually might.

5 Things I Learned From This Last Race

Nothing better than a crisp and sunny morning and a warm cup of coffee to accompany my race reflection! Mmmmm.....

1. My amazing BF will forever say things like this: (conversation takes place 3 hours into our 6 hour car ride to the hotel)

BF: My head's kinda bothering me.

Me: Have some water.

BF: I had like 10 bottles yesterday!

Me: That doesn't carry over into today you know?

BF: I'll be fine, I don't want to be stopping for the bathroom every 20 mins.

Me: Okay, well let me know when you want some water.

BF: Okay, but only if you stop nagging me about it *big proud smile knowing he shocked me*

Me: *with a joking glare* Come on! I don't nag! You're always telling me about you buddies' annoying gfs and wives and how I'm all not like that!!!

BF: You're right. *thinks for a little bit* Well, you know dear, it's like - just because I have a really nice car already doesn't mean I can't want a nicer onnne uh.....

Me: *JAW DROP*

BF: Uhhhhhhh, wait, no, that's not what I meant!

2. All Italian restaurants within a 10 mile radius of a race will be packed the night before with carbo-loading runners. So, if you are told you have a 45 minute wait, just wait! (or get take out) because driving around for 45 minutes trying to find a good but not busy pasta joint will only double your wait time and result in hungry and irritated monsters.

3. Staying in the hotel right on the Start Line is worth the extra $80 or so. Otherwise, BF spends 2 hours driving the 3 miles to and from the start line trying to find parking - which has the potential to make him cranky.

4. Being slightly under prepared for a race will help you run your best time because your body feel great while running, but...

5. Being slightly under prepared for a race will make you more sore than you've ever been in you life the next day. *whimper while shifting in chair*

Birthday Thanks!

Today is my Birthday, yay! Other than a massive sugar high and crash from delicious cupcakes, I had a nice low key day. Since I have a race next Sunday I will officially be celebrating on the 7th so as not to let alcohol impair my race performance.

I felt a great deal of love and happiness aimed at me today and I feel immensely grateful for all I have:

• A deliciously loving and supportive BF
  
• Good friends I can trust
• Family that is close even though they're across the country
• The best (future) In-Laws anyone could ask for
• Two of the cutest kitties on the face of the planet
• A plethora of adorably sweet nieces
• An awesome new couch
• A great place to live
• The skills to obtain a great job
• The freedom to build my life as I see fit
• A country that recently made me abundantly proud
• My health and the healthy of those I hold dear
• And many many many other things....

I'm a happy girl!

*update: Even more thrilled now! One of my BFFs stopped by with an awesome pair of shoes for my bday!!!!