Thank you, and you, and you and....Linky Linky Edition

First off - My apologies for my lack of blogging and my downer attitude lately. I'm still in a bit of a funk, but now I am making an effort to be gentle with myself about it and slowly work through it. What I have been doing lately is forcing myself into good moods and not actually dealing with the situation(s) at hand. So, in an effort to pull myself out of this in a healthy and sustainable way, I will be sharing more and more.

To start I want to thank everyone who sent me good wishes on both twitter and through my blog. Having a place to vent my nuts-o-ness is very very helpful.

In addition to writing, reading is great therapy. I finally caught up on my Google Reader today (after a week long hiatus) and found that there are so many people facing the same struggles or who have overcome them. My reads always leave me inspired and relaxed. I figure I should stop taking that for granted...

Here's a taste of what I've been relating too and drawing strength from:

On Money:

FCN listed some *interesting* money making ideas...I'm not beyond considering some of them!

J.D. at Get Rich Slowly helped me avert some spending by considering these questions....well, he hasn't yet, but he will next time I leave the house. This should be really helpful in achieving my "don't by anything (even food) until you've exhausted all options already available at HOME" goal (more on my recent goals to come).

Free From Broke discussed using Google calendar to stay on top of bills. I used to do that but have neglected to track much of anything since losing my job in October. Time to shape up...not having a job should not = laziness and inefficiency!!

Leo at Zen Habits suggested some HUGE ways to save. Got me thinking about my car. I love, Love, LOVE it! But, given the fact that the payment alone eats up a huge chunk of my unemployment, I am finding it hard to justify keeping it for anything other than "I WANT". I really need to put some serious thought into this. Any opinions out there??

Kevin at lifehacker reminded me to get off my self-pittying butt and get on those credit card companies to help me take a load off!!

Revanche got me thinking about my own pride and insecurities about asking for/accepting financial help. Just being on unemployment makes me feel like a giant leach...and don't even get me started how much I feel like a gold-digging jerk for having a wonderfully patient BF who is happily helping me make it through this shitty economy. Now, if it ever comes to having to ask someone else for help...Jeebus help me, I might just explode!

On Productivity (or lack there-of):

Blunt Money hit the nail on the head. I am also guilty of putting off things that I don't understand; even more, I put off things that just seem overwhelming. This, of course, only makes them seem more and more unmanageable. Kind of like writing over the last couple weeks....

The Wisdom Journal really struck a cord with me in this post. I definitely see-saw between these two mindsets. Recently, though, I have been nothing but a feeler: I've let my fears and hardships cloud my life. Not good, not good.

Zen Habits guest post by UrbanMonk was incredibly motivating. I'm going to give his exercise a try and report back.

On my Career/Job/Future:

On the plus side - Squawkfox brightened my day by telling me my resume is actually in pretty good shape; being action-word laden and all!

Another one from Zen Habits that helped me out. Jonathan just put into writing all the things I already know about myself. I am frightened, insecure, and afraid of judgment ... and it's holding me back. I have a plan to overcome this...

J.D.'s post at Get Rich Slowly about Finding Jobs right now gave me a swift kick in the arse and reminded me that giving up is not an option.

FCN is helping me overcome some of that fear I keep talking about. I am starting to formulate a plan, and this post come into play when I work on it. (I'll fill you all in soon!)

On Health, Fitness, & Sanity:

Over at Paid Twice I'm reminded that despite my own "problems", others need support with theirs. This post inspired me to reevaluate my own goals AND stop being so selfish and narrow minded about my situation.

Totally relating to L.L. I spent a beautiful weekend on a beach with my BF while having Pink Eye! UGH!! Our intimacy consisted of him carefully grabbing my face and kissing the "healthy side" Sooooo romantic! lols

Ms. Caitlin inspired my yummy lunch today. Check out my food photo-journal in the sidebar.

I've also been drawing strength and support from One Little Fish. I hope she doesn't lose faith in people completely! We're still out there! *Hugs* and Strength, One Little Fish.

And, of course, some funnies:

Searching for the yeti lists 9 words women use. I am guilty! So going to try and get BF to comment on all of these! I'll report back ... *must find tape recorder*

My kitties heartily agree with this little cutey:

And there are soooo many more bloggers out there that I adore and read daily. Thank you all for having the courage to share your lives! :)

Journey to Debt - Part 3 - Leading to the Now

(You can catch up here -> Part 1 - Student Live, Part-2 - Post Graduation)

Finally, in late 2008, the fruit of my attempts began to show. I had paid off all my store cards, paid off my lasik surgery bill, paid off my smallest major CC balance, and was only $3,000 from paying off the next card so I could tackle the largest one. And then, as soon as I started to breath a sigh of relief, I got laid off.

The amazing thing is, since October, my credit card balance has remained steady, my car and student loan balances have gone down, and I have a (very small) emergency fund (thank you severance)! My (seemingly) worst financial crisis turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to my finances. The minute we got laid off it all snapped into place. All those worries about finances and priorities just aligned. I suddenly understood the difference between "need" and "want". I realized my 30 pairs of shoes and multitude of dresses and skirts did nothing for me beyond the fleeting moment of excitement of wearing them for the first time.

There were still hard moments leading to the here and now. Making it through the holidays without touching my credit cards was by far the most difficult part. I, like my mom, have always been a very generous gift giver. I value and adore my family and friends, and I want them to know it! This made buying Christmas gifts on a budget very emotionally trying for me. In the end, I probably spent more than necessary, but at least I didn't touch my cards or my severance. That was a huge step for me.

Since the Holidays I've limited shopping to needs only. I've made it a point to not touch my remaining severance EVEN for bills. I have been paying for bills and groceries with my unemployment insurance (BF pays for rent) and I have only purchased 2 "cute" items (an adorable purse that was only $13 and dress for $16 both on major clearance).

The best moment came last week. I had an interview at a pretty cool company. Given that I have dropped 2 complete dress sizes since my last job hunt, I needed a suite jacket. I had a pair of great pants but no blazer. So I popped into the mall on my way to the interview, picked up a jacket that perfectly matched my pants and a pair of shoes that didn't make me want to kill someone from blinding pain. The total cost came to $200.

Normally, that sudden but needed expense, would have sent me into a worry induced migraine. But it didn't. I left my local mall with only what I needed in hand and with no anxiety about overdrafts or interest rates. It was amazing. After just three weeks of NOT shopping and NOT submitting to my wants and NOT putting myself in tempting situations and paying my bills FIRST I had learned (sort of) to manage my money.

I get it now; finally, 3.5 years after entering the "real world" I get it. I'm glad I did not get a job sooner because I believe I would have just continued my selfish spending habits. I'm ready to find a job now, a job I like, not just need. And I am confident that within 12 months of getting said job, I will be free of credit card debt, almost free of student and car loan debts, have a less-tiny emergency fund, and will be helping BF save for our wedding (and maybe rent, he'd love that!).

I know the challenges are far from over, but I finally feel I am appropriately armed to take them on. I plan to add a Part 4 to this series in 2010 telling you I made it out!

*Note: This is the final "official" part, but I'm sure there will be more on this is the future of LFMM :-)

Journey to Debt - Part 2 - Post Graduation

(You can catch up here -> Part 1 - Student Live)

I graduated with a mere $1,000 of credit card debt and about $12,000 in student loans. All in all, I did pretty well. I had landed an internship my senior year that turned into a well paying full time position upon graduation. I moved in with BF and we split some bills but he took the brunt of them while I was "paying off my loans."

This takes us to right before things got COMPLETELY out of hand. I look back at the years above and just want to go back and scream at myself! Throughout those years I felt pinched for cash. I allowed myself every luxury (by college student standards) but when it came to bills, books, rent, gas - I was always at a loss. That should have sent off sirens, alarms, bells; I should have WOKEN UP. But, I didn't.

Three months after I graduated with a BS in Accounting (yes, I know, kinda ironic) BF received a career breaking job offer in California. It was a dream! So we moved and realized that dreams don't come easy.

I spent the first year in a pretty depressed state. In addition to the relationship pressures of my graduation and us moving in together, add to that moving clear across the country with absolutely NO network except on high school friend of BF. This was the rockiest time in our relationship and, to date, our lives.

When I finally snapped out of my depression, got a job at a fun young company, and made some friends, I was stunned. In my state of depression I had racked up a whopping $20,000 in credit card debt, purchased a new used car for another $17,000 after taxes and interest, and had BF fully furnish the apartment, with furniture we ended up hating, to fill the empty space. It was a rude awakening to say the least.

Since then I have struggled to pay down my debt. Between BFF's weddings, trips home, Christmases, birthdays, socializing, etc - it was hard. Every time I made headway, something came up and brought me back to my starting point.

I look back now and realize I wasn't really into the debt reduction. I was letting debt control me instead of taking control of it.

Boots! I want these boots!

On the heels of my debt journey divulging post...

I found these boots this morning on Think Classy and I think I am withering away by the minute here trying to figure out how to justify spending $350 on a pair of boots that are EVERYTHING I want in brown boots....


Drooooooooool

Journey to Debt - Part I - Student Life

As a child, money was never a topic of discussion in my household. When I was a teenager, my parents split and it was my mom, lil' sis, and me. My mom had a job that paid the bills and, seemingly, allowed for a fashionable and fun lifestyle. In reality she was up to her eyeballs in debt and was choosing to ignore it.

My mom would always say that we were low on money then turn around and blow $500+ in a weekend shopping for lil' sis and me. And this was a pretty regular occurrence. As I got older I started to understand a LITTLE bit more.

I started my first job at 16 and made roughly $100 per week. Since I had never really handled more than about $20 at a time, I was THRILLED. This meant I could go shopping and buy what I wanted when I wanted! So I did. At the time I didn't know much about high fashion and designers so the $100/week pretty much allowed me enough freedom to buy just about anything I wanted.

As I got close to college I learned a little bit more. I learned that I should never get into credit card debt, but having a credit card is important to "build credit" (didn't quite know what that meant yet). So, I went off to college with my credit card in hand. I barely used it, and when I, did I paid it almost in full each time, keeping just a small balance to "build credit". I worked a couple small jobs on campus, had a pretty decent financial aide package (including loans), and received financial support from my mom.

In my first year of college I accumulated close to $10,000 in student loan debt (that school actually cost $30,000/year, so I made out ok). I knew that wasn't good so I transfered schools. I ended up at a respected state university, a bit farther from home, with my tuition completely covered and a federal loan for other living costs. My mom bought me a used car, paid in full (by her home equity line of credit, ugh), and sent me on my way.

I used my biannual loan disbursments to buy books and go shopping. Sometimes the money went to my pay off my credit card, sometimes it went to rent and bills, but I never saved. I believed that as long as I kept my credit card balance under contol, I was golden. And with the financial support from my mom, I didn't really think twice. I knew she was in credit card debt and was proud of me for keeping my balance under control. That had to mean I was on the right track.

Frosted Mini Wheats

I have a dilemma with Frosted Mini-Wheat cereals. Most flavors are so tasty and filling. They're a great balance for my sweet tooth and healthy habits.

They cost as much as a regular box of cereal, but, because they are so bulky, there are only half as many servings per box (at best).

So, now I'm torn. As yummy as the blueberry flavored ones are (that I finished today), do I really want to buy more?

I could just go out and buy MultiGrain Cheerios or a nice granola mix which are just as healthy (if not more) and will last twice as long (if I adhere to serving suggestions). But the Blueberry Muffin Frosted Mini-Wheats were just so goooooooooooood.

Or, maybe, I should hold off to decide until all the household cereal is out....

Credit Cards are EVIL

I finally pulled myself out of my financial denial yesterday and went over my credit card bills. I was making payments, but since becoming unemployed I've carefully ignored everything else on the bills, to maintain sanity. I know that's not the wisest thing. But I wasn't too worried, I haven't used my cards for anything other than auto payment for my gym membership and Starbucks card (yeah, this one's BF's fault, I'll explain later).

Back to the point...

I pulled myself out of my "ignorance is bliss" state yesterday and discovered that the APR on my CCs has suddenly skyrocketed! (I should have listened to the Consumerist's warnings) For that last 2 months, I have been paying a whopping $250/month in finance charges!!!!! That's double my usual $125. And considering that my balances have stayed steady since October, it's just enraging!

Now I know, I suppose it wouldn't have helped much to know sooner. I am not going to attempt another credit application just to get 0% and I can't throw a large chunk of money at the thing until I have a dependable income again.

I made a plan, I can be completely credit card debt free within 8 months of my first paycheck.

Now, it's time to study for my interview so I can get that paycheck!!!

Hungry Shopping = Bad

I must remember not to stop at the grocery store while hungry EVER. I bought 6 items and spent $26 because the salami, gourmet cheese, and buttery crackers looked too delicious to pass up.

Of course, now that I have finished my lunch I have a true case of buyers remorse. Not just because that was a bit pricey, but also because those are all high fat foods that I will no doubt inhale shortly. le sigh ;)

Goals, Updates & Stuff

Yoga is good overall. I've been doing it for about two weeks now and my left knee and lower back are feeling much much better. I also started swimming around the same time so that could be the reason for the relief. Either way, I plan to keep both up to keep my workouts fresh. My right knee, on the other hand, not so good. It's been hurting for the last week or so. I tried to run on it today and it wasn't going to happen without serious pain. I'm going to get it checked out on Thursday to see if I can run my race on Feb 1. Hopefully I can!!

My 2009 goals are off to a rocky start. I have yet to get an interview (other than with recruiters) let alone a job, my debt is staying steady but I really need it to start going DOWN. My weight has been going down but I have not been eating well so it's going to make a U-turn if I don't whip myself back into healthy mode, the biking and running goals are still too early to start on so I can leave those in the back of my head for now.

My emotional life is a bit of a mess too. The BF is great, supportive and patient with my unemployment and frustration. I'm getting to the point where I feel the lack of response to my applications is personal and that is coming out in my attitude recently. A little more meditation, yoga, and resume tweaking will hopefully do the trick!

Blogging 2-3 times per week....yeah, if you read this I don't have to tell you how that's going; I'll get there! Networking is actually improving, I've been ignoring the negative voice in my head more and more, allowing me to be a little more risky with job applications and asking for help. It's a start.

I have been reading, maybe too much. I've already read 3 books this month. I think I will take a break until February now and focus on the other goals. I tend to get lost in my books (much like I did in TV) and leave everything else on the back burner. For example, I should really have been studying my Chinese all weekend instead of finishing my third book, whoops! But at least I did take the class and I do enjoy it, now I just need to pass it ;-)

So yes, I am a little overwhelmed, but, on the plus side, today's inauguration lifted my spirits. I feel like this is a fresh start for me as well. I mean, Obama is an inspiration for new beginnings and change (not to mention a BEAUTIFUL man, yum). And on that note....Off to do homework, cleaning and class!

2009 - My Goals

I had decided long before NYE to not make "resolutions" for 2009. Resolutions have always seemed like a joke. They are to personal improvement what crash diets are to health and fitness. Resolutions, as we traditionally know them, produce little to no lasting results and just make us feel like failures by early March.

Instead, I decided I would recap my 2008 successes and make a list of goals (small & large) for 2009. I understand many people consider resolutions and goals to be synonymous. They're not. Resolution simply involves determination and will power to stop or start doing something, while goals require objectives, plans, and missteps. Once a resolution is broken it is often considered failed and abandoned; goals accept that mistakes will be made, that there will be times of success and failure before the goal is reached.

I've noticed that my way of thinking is common amongst my favorite bloggers. Many of them did not make 2009 "resolutions", they made goals or objectives and game plans to match. The Wisdom Journal had my favorite post on this topic. I've decided to enlist the help of WJ's framework of 4 goal types to sculpt my 2009 game plan.

The Four goal types are as follows:
1. Financial
2. Physical
3. Emotional
4. Mental

My 2009 Financial Goals:

1. GET A JOB - I have been Unemployed since October of 2008. Being that the Bay Area is experiencing the most layoffs since their last bubble burst, jobs I desire are hard to come by. BF and I have agreed that it is time to look for profitable work to get us through at least our financial goals. That means it's time for me to brush up on my Accounting skills and rearrange the resume. Number crunching, here I come! (I will continue to look for work I like, of course, but I can't afford to hold out for my dream job at the moment.)

2. Pay down 50% of my debt - Due to my aforementioned unemployment, I was unable to make great headway on my debt after October 2008. I am proud to say that the credit cards were not used for anything other than my automatic gym membership and BF's Starbucks habit. My confidence in reaching this goal is strong after making it through the holiday season without catapulting my debt right back to it's starting point!

a. pay off WaMu completely within 4 months of acquiring a job

d. reduce Citi to well under 10k by the end of the year (under 8k if I manage to land a job in Q1 of the year!)

My 2009 Physical Goals:

1. Reach my New Goal Weight of 129lbs - yes, 129, not 130. I am a "justifier", If I make my goal 130, then I will consider the goal accomplished at 134 lbs, but if I set it at 129, then I will have to make it there to consider that a success. Why? I have no idea, I just know that 129 is the best weight goal for success. I currently weigh in at about 143 (it was 141 just last week, I blame menstruation and Christmas candy). Shedding 14lbs over 12 months is incredibly reasonable, especially since I set a foundation for exercise & healthy eating with my 2008 race training regimens.

2. Train and Race a Bike with BF - I'm starting to feel a little bit run down by the constant training runs, so much so that I've only been running my long runs to prepare for my next race (yes, I know, opening myself up to injuries). I have no intention to give up running, I even have a goal related to running, but I need a new challenge and a break from training. Biking will be great since BF loves it and is always trying to get me to ride.

3. Run at least 15 miles each week - This excludes the two post race weeks when I simply cannot run in order to ensure knee health. Elliptical training will not count towards the 15 miles and the 15 miles should be divided into at least 2 days (not that there was much chance I planned to run 15 miles in one stint). Why am I making this a goal? Because, as I mentioned, I am getting tired of training, but I can't deny the good it has done for my body and mind, this goal is as much emotional as it is physical. Running keeps me tight and firm; it also give me time to reflect and take in my life. Since I began running (without a buddy) I've become so much more appreciative of all I have and stopped wanting all the time.

My 2009 Emotional Goals:

1. Come up with a few things that need improvement in my emotional life - As I touched on with running, I have learned to appreciate more and want less. Now I need to reflect more on myself. What am I lacking? What do I have to offer? How can I improve my friendships and relationships? BF is always happily announcing my attitude improvements over the last year, I was definitely a handful prior to my running days (and I still am, just a much more manageable one!); but I think I need to dig a little deeper and see where else I can improve. I've learned to understand my actions and faults and where they come from, now I would like to see if I could healthily approach them and eliminate them. Making this plan is my goal: not necessarily achieving all these changes by the end of the year. This will be the most difficult goal to keep and the easiest to forget.

2. Blog 2-3 times per week - I toyed with the idea of putting this under Mental Goals, but I feel that blogging is one way I introspect. The more I write, the more aware I become of myself and anything else I happen to be posting.

3. Network! - I can be a very social and outgoing person with my friends and peers. However, when it comes to professional settings (of any kind) I am tongue tied and shy. I would like to build my intellectual confidence in 2009 much like I did my physical confidence in 2008. This might require a whole lot more work than running! (this entry started in mental goals and was moved into emotional goals after I began to write that it's not networking I dislike, it's the fact that I feel inadequate in professional settings that sets me back)

My 2009 Mental Goals:

1. Take at least 2 Classes - I plan to attend Chinese classes beginning next week to check out the teacher. I haven't registered yet, I want to get a feel for it first. BF is super excited about this goal, he's been taking Chinese for about a year now and would like us to travel to China in the near future, and I am always game for a good trip!

2. Read at least 2 books per month - The hidden goals here are (1) watch less TV and (2) spend less time on the internet. I considered making those my goals, but I knew that wouldn't work for me. I am not good at self restraint. If I, instead, make an actionable goal that, by default, takes time away from my vices, then I will have really accomplished 3 things through the act of just one. Yeah, I have to trick myself like that sometimes.

My 2009 Miscellaneous Goals:

1. Learn to Knit hats and blankets - I just know scarves at the moment. Maybe this is a mental goal?

2. Post "Link Love" Blogs 2-3 times per month - I love the blogs I read, I want to share them!