Sunday 20 Questions - Week 2

Marc and Angel Hack Life is one of my favorite and most inspiring blogs. A while back they had a post on 20 questions to ask yourself every Sunday. Going to give this a try weekly (hopefully at some point on Sundays)!

Here is week 2 (even later this time! whoops!)

1. What did I learn last week?
Taking a few minutes to check your work saves TONS and TONS of time and stress. I didn't make any mistakes last week but that was because I checked my work like a paranoid fiend. I was scared into doing so by coworkers' warnings and stories about my direct supervisor! She's super nice, but apparently does not take kindly to dumb little mistakes; perfectly understandable.

2. What was my greatest accomplishment over the past week?
This is a hard one to think of. I guess going back to work in general and getting through the week with minimal stress. I think i was actually happier than I've been in months this week, despite the exhaustion of adjustment.

3. Which moment from last week was the most memorable and why?
Damn, this is hard. UMMMMMM - I suppose getting obviously hit on and checked out by a new coworker. It was harmless,amusing, and memorable for sure.

4. What’s the #1 thing I need to accomplish this week?
Training and Nutrition boot camp is in order for me this week. Obviously, work will still come first as far as time line but my goal is to get my butt to the gym as my training calendar dictates, no matter how late or early I may leave the office each day. This will be difficult since I've been letting myself relax over the last month or so , especially the last 3 days which were full of shopping, eating, and TV time.

5. What can I do right now to make the week less stressful?
Get some Green tea? Well I am at work, so just writing this post is helping to remind me that I am accountable to my internet audience for my goals. I really wish I would get some work though...ah the joys of being brand new.

6. What have I struggled with in the past that might also affect the upcoming week?
Getting to sleep on time and CRAVINGS!! Both have hindered my health and mood throughout most of my adolescent ant adult life. I feel my sleeping is adjusting well and BF helps a whole lot since he leaves for work even earlier than I do. But the cravings will be a challenge; especially since I let myself binge this weekend.

7. What was last week’s biggest time sink?
During the week I actually did well. It was easy since all I had time to do was wake up, have coffee & breakfast, get ready, go to work, go to the gym, come home, clean myself up, and pass out from shear exhaustion. But then, Friday hit and T.V. time with the honey was upon me and, instead of balancing it with healthy food and gym time, I let it envelope me...all. weekend. Except for some shopping, TV and Food time was all I did while neglecting my to do list. Must learn to balance coming this Friday!!

8. Am I carrying any excess baggage into the week that can be dropped?
Ebay stuff must go, it's starting to clutter the apartment which always adds a bit of extra stress. But on the positive side, this is all new (for ebay) stuff due to our last couple weeks of purging our home of unneeded everything.

9. What have I been avoiding that needs to get done?
BUDGET Updates, Ebay, some Financial Aide help for the little sister, this blog (out of laziness only), and grooming my kitties. All this can be started and completed (except ebay) tonight post gym!!

10. What opportunities are still on the table?
The opportunity to show my new employers that I am a rock star. Must not let shyness and insecurity get in the way!!

11. Is there anyone I’ve been meaning to talk to?
Gotta call the mama. Everyone else I think I've covered via email last week. It felt good to reach out and stop feeling guilty for my lack of communication.

12. Is there anyone that deserves a big ‘Thank You’?
Oh, so many many people. This week I will mentally thank the person who got me running, working out, and eating right. He and I have a very dysfunctional acquaintanceship, so in person thank yous are simply not an option in this case. But despite his "messed-uped-ness", he got me moving; and for that I will always be grateful.

13. How can I help someone else this coming week?
I will be there for the friend that is going through a painful breakup, I'll make myself open and available to everyone at work, and I will encourage BF to eat healthily and workout so he can reach his fitness goals.

14. What are my top 3 goals for the next 3 years?
#1 Get out of Debt. #2 LOVE the healthy lifestyle. #3 Keep our relationship new and loving.

15. Have any of my recent actions moved me closer to my goals?
Yes, I recently consolidated most of my credit card debt into a "0% for one year" offer and the rest is my #1 priority on the pay off list. However, that said, this past week was not a success in terms of budgeting and cutting spending. I will make it a point to devote some attention and energy to that this week.

16. What’s the next step for each goal?
#1 Update my budget to close out April and Start off May. #2 Get excited about training and remember all the nastiness in processed foods. #3 Tell and show BF how much I adore him daily (this one is pretty easy <3)

17. What am I looking forward to during the upcoming week?
TV time with BF. But, in moderation this time ;-)

18. What are my fears?
Fear of failure - at work, at training, at eating healthily, at loving BF and Fear of losing BF. The last one has really been bugging me lately. I (we) have been so immensely happy in our relationship lately that sometimes I get momentarily paralyzed with fear at the thought of losing him in an accident or some such nonsense.

19. What am I most grateful for?
My Family and my BF. Without them I would be a miserable wreck. I love them all so very very much :-)

20. If I knew I only had one week to live, who would I spend my time with?
It would be a hard sell between BF and the Mom and Sis. Ideally I would hole myself up in a house with all three. Actually, ideally this will never happen!

Sunday 20 Questions - Week 1

Marc and Angel Hack Life is one of my favorite and most inspiring blogs. A while back they had a post on 20 questions to ask yourself every Sunday. I've decided I will start to do this weekly right here! Here is week 1 - a little bit late...true to form ;-)

What are your answers? If you blog about this as well let me know! I love to hear about others joys and struggles :)

1. I learned that I am stronger than I think I am. I will accomplish great things even thought there might be many obstacles in my path.

2. My greatest accomplishment was getting a job after 7 months of unemployment!

3. Again with the job offer! Because 7 month of unemployment will make you crazy and the offer seemed to have balanced out my mood and craziness in the snap of a finger!

4. My number 1 goal this week is to learn and study everything about my new job. There will be things I don’t know and I CANNOT put off learning them as I tend to do!

5. I am reminding myself that training starts next week so my focus is on work and that is OK. I will do my best to work out once daily, but the twice dailies are not a focus this week by any means…and that is OK.

6. I’ve struggled with self doubt and low self esteem. I know I can kick ass at this job and I will, but sometimes I will doubt myself, hopefully it won’t cloud me. Nay…It won’t cloud me; I won’t let it!

7. TV…the usual!

8. Worry about my diet (in the healthy sense) and the inches I have put on this month. Training starts soon, this week focus on work!

9. Finishing up ALL the Ebay auctions. I completed a good chunk of them but the few I didn’t have been sitting around for years (seriously!) I will make time on Tuesday or Thursday night to crank those out!

10. A couple more interviews might still be in play, I can still offer my help to friends on a freelance basis and I still have the option of pursuing personal training and nutrition as a side gig.

11. I need to email a number of people that I have been putting off and call my good friend who I accidentally ditched on my last week home due to my depression cloud.

12. Oh so many people in my life deserve a big THANK YOU – my bf, my friends, my family. They have all been so supportive over the last few months in so many different ways. I will make a list and try to thank them all.

13. I already got one of my friends an interview this week! Does that count?? Also, I need to cook and prepare some healthy food to help myself and BF stay in a healthy mindset.

14. 1-Pay off my debts 2-buy a house 3-get a pup!

15. Yes, I stayed out of further debt during unemployment and now I am budgeting with my new job to maximize my money towards debt elimination

16. Cut back on spending; stop giving in to my wants. Same step for all three since they are contingent on each other.

17. I am looking forward to getting down and dirty at my new job and then to Friday night happy hour!!

18. I am afraid that I will not rock the socks of my new boss, or that they will regret hiring me. I know I can prove my awesomeness. There will be things that I don’t know, but I am willing and able to learn and master them. I need to let that shine through and squash that pesky self-doubt

19. I am most grateful for my BF this week. He has handled my unemployment and job offer with such patience and love that I can’t even find the right words to show my gratitude and love for him. He’s the best.

20. My BF, My Sister, and My mom…oh! And my kitties of course!

Unemployment & Depression

As I hinted in previous posts: I was having a bit of a hard time keeping my emotions in check during the tail end of my unemployment. Since roughly the beginning of March, I was pretty much losing it.

The feelings of worthlessness, sadness, frustration, anger, and helplessness were so strong and over powering that simply getting out of bed and trying to maintain the semblance of a healthy routine was utterly exhausting.

Based on my history with bouts of depression I feel confident that I was suffering from mild to moderate clinical depression. Now, I did not go to a doctor, but I was getting there. The thought to seek out help, once again, crossed my mind and BF's lips often over the last 2 months.

Luckily, the stars aligned and my amazing group of friends suddenly set me up with a number of interviews which led to a job offer! The timing was great. Another few weeks of unemployment and I am certain that avoiding the therapist would have been impossible and dangerous.

I want to stress that depression should never be ignored. I justify my own decision to avoid help by telling myself that I am more aware and in control of myself than most people, even in depression. But, in reality, I probably should have gone. I am truly lucky that my situation changed as quickly as it did but it might have changed sooner if I had been able to deal with my anxiety and feelings of despair.

While 7 months of unemployment does majorly SUCK; many others have been and will be unemployed much longer before our country starts to recuperate. I consider myself lucky that depression was the worst part of my experience. Things are ugly out there right now.

If you are stuggling with your own situation (unemployment or any one of the many other things life likes to hurl at us) please seek help. It is critical!

Back!! and EMPLOYED!!!

Hi Everyone! Sorry for my disappearing act. I will write very soon about what caused my escape from blogging.

In other news though; today is my last day of being unemployed!!! I start a new job on Monday at an established, fun, and innovative Silicon Valley advertising agency. So nervous and so excited!

I've missed you guys and will be working myself back into full swing over the next couple weeks :-)

Give me a sign already!!

While commenting on One Little Fish's insight I had a mini revelation....(is that the right word?)

She talks about the messages the universe puts in front of us to help guide us through life's many conundrums; her messages come through music.

As I was writing about my envy for her insight it hit me! My messages come in different forms. I am still envious because only one form is clear to me:

Warning pop into my head, just in and out. Almost like a mini vision that is very easy to ignore and shake. There are two warnings that still haunt me for their clarity.

When I was about 8 years old my mother, step-dad, and I were moving into a new apartment. My mother had a beautiful antique mirror that she adored which hung over her dresser. We had hired movers to take care of all the furniture and most boxes. As the movers arrived I mumbled to my mother that the mirror will break. She gave me an odd, slightly concerned look, and continued down her to-do list as we were in a moving frenzy.

When we finally arrived at our new home, the movers were waiting with sad news - my mom's treasured mirror was broken. She just looked at me with a bit of awe. She still tells that story and takes extra precautions whenever I have a "feeling" about anything.

The second warning hit me just moments before my "lucky" (and only) car accident. I went to college about 75 miles from home. I would come in about 2-3 weekends per month to see my family and BF (same one!). This particular trip was right after my 21st birthday. It was the first Midwestern snow storm of the season - and my first winter as a driver. About 20 miles from home, while moving out of the left most lane, I hit a patch of black ice. I lost complete control of my car, spun straight across the entire FIVE lanes of oncoming traffic, and came to a stop after making-out with the guard rail. I call this my "lucky" accident because ... well FIVE lanes of traffic and not a single car hit me. Had they...this might be a VERY different story. I came out of it with only bad case of the shakes (from fear and shock) and I was close enough to home that BF was able to grab a cab to come rescue me and my car.

Back to the point...before all this happened, I knew it would. About 20 miles into my trip (30 miles before the accident) I was bopping along to music on the freeway at a lightning 40mph and I suddenly just froze in terror. I knew there was an accident on my horizon. I shook it off and kept on driving. I mean, what exactly was I supposed to do, turn around? I am a firm believer in destiny, I believe if I HAD turned around, an accident still would have occurred; and maybe it wouldn't have been as lucky.

When my mom heard my story post accident she just shook her head and said I shouldn't have been in such a rush, I didn't give "it" enough time to warn me. To this day, when I tell her about any feeling or "vision" or dream I have she begs me to take it to heart. But I try not to, because many times it is just a bit of fear or paranoia...this is why I need to figure out how else the universe communicates with me. Then maybe I could filter messages from fears and Law-and-order induced paranoia!

March Goals and Mish Mosh

March Goals:

• Post at least 10 items on Ebay by 3/25 (out of town 3/26-3/31)
• Finish Draft 1 of Business Plan for my new idea by 3/23 (I'll share more in the future!!)
• Do NOT SHOP at all, for anything, except milk, fruits, and veggies until ALL other options are exhausted -this includes clothing, house goods, food, etc. (will spill into April I imagine)
• Call my Credit Card companies and beg them to lower my rates - maybe take some acting lessons first?
• Work on eating SLOOOOWLY - I tend to inhale my food, not so good. (will be ongoing)
  
• Finish the book I'm reading and start a new one.
• Purchase a Printer - Job hunting, writing business plans, and obtaining study sheets all very hard to do without a printer.
• Leave a tidy apartment and some easy heat food for BF before leaving 3/25 (yes, he can fend for himself....but that would mean chipotle, pizza, or pho every day for every meal. I would like him to live to propose and marry me some day you know!)

That's it! All very doable

Now the Mish Mosh:

Sometimes I fear we will become these people:

Using a photo album for coupons. Unclutterer = Brilliant

This is what my nightmares will consist of from this moment on. I am PETRIFIED and allergic to bees....and have been stung 5 times in my life (that I remember). *major shudder*

Oh no no no no...violence is NEVER okay kids. The cat in the baby seat is looking quite sane right now...

2009 Goals - Updates & Revisions

Back in January, after ringing in a splendid New Year, I shared with you my goals.

Since them...some things/expectations/situations/etc. have changed.

Here's an "update" (I use the term loosely because this will also contain some reflection and complaining...hey, gotta be true to myself!)

Financial Goals:
1. Get a Job Status: In Progress?? - No, really, not done
I've decided to stay away from accounting; I went on a few interviews, and try as I might, my distaste for the profession must have shown through. It's not that I don't respect accountants, I do! But, being one is just not for me (yet)!

2. Pay down 50% of my debt Status - Pending, see above
Hasn't gone up by much but my interest rates are skyrocketing suddenly which means the balances will start going up soon. Sell my car you say? Still considering the option.

Physical Goals:
1. Reach new goal weight of 129lbs Status: On Track
I've fluctuated up and down but overall have dropped from 143 to about 138 since then. I'm satisfied with my progress as this is a lifestyle goal, not just a weight loss goal.

2. Train and race a bike w the BF Status: Modified to Bike ride with BF regularly.
I found out that unless I purchase a new bike and gear I cannot race a bike. However, BF just purchased a new bike (his old one was OLD and had a broken wheel) and the weather is improving. We've been on a couple rides and I plan to ride with him weekly starting in April (I'm traveling a lot in the next two weeks)

3. Run at least 15 miles each week Status: Modified to Let knee heal and be ready to start training in May.
Right before my last race in February, I was diagnosed with Pes Anserine Bursitis (funny because I am ridiculously flexible and it's caused by tight hamstrings, go figure) and have been SLOWLY and carefully (with a few over extended setbacks) nursing it back to health over the last couple months. I've started to run again slowly and carefully. I am pretty confident I will be ready to start hard core training come May 1st (*knocking on wood*)

Emotional Goals: (crap, why am I reliving this?? - oh yeah, so I can be a happy cheery smily person more often :-D)
1. Find ways to improve my emotional health Status: not started (I think)
I suppose I have been working on this without realizing. Throughout my roller coaster of a job hunt, I've made an effort to recognize my immature and fear driven behavior, reflect and find the cause, and work on eliminating the negativity. It's been difficult and exhausting. It may be time to start making a conscious effort towards this goal so I don't have to relive the cycle every week or two.

2. Blog 2-3 times per week Status: Varied
At times I've far exceeded this goal and at others I've neglected it completely. This pretty much coincides with the previously mentioned "roller coaster of a job hunt." I am determined to stop flaking on this goal as it might currently be the one most likely to help me stay sane.

3. Network Status: Not so much
Still feeling very insecure, shy, and like an imposition. Actually, I often feel even more like one. I am coming up on SIX months of unemployment and each day seems more hopeless (re: job hunt) This is when i really NEED to strive for this goal.

Mental Goals:
1. Take 2 Classes Status: On Track!
I am currently preparing for the final in my Chinese class and I am currently signed up for 3 Class for the Spring term. Chinese 2 and two personal training courses online (more on that later...)

2. Read at least 2 books per month Status: kinda sorta
I read three books in January and one since then....I might still be able March. Yes, yes I will!

Miscellaneous Goals:
1. Learn to Knit hats and blankets Status: Plenty of time
Haven't started this yet, but it's a low priority item at the moment. Not sweating it.

2. Post "link Love" 2-3 times per month Status: Whoops
I may have done 2 since then :-D Will work on it.

Next step is to make monthly goal lists to help ensure I am striving to meet my goals.

Maybe I will start with making a list of Goals for the remainder of March...tomorrow.

Night All!

Thank you, and you, and you and....Linky Linky Edition

First off - My apologies for my lack of blogging and my downer attitude lately. I'm still in a bit of a funk, but now I am making an effort to be gentle with myself about it and slowly work through it. What I have been doing lately is forcing myself into good moods and not actually dealing with the situation(s) at hand. So, in an effort to pull myself out of this in a healthy and sustainable way, I will be sharing more and more.

To start I want to thank everyone who sent me good wishes on both twitter and through my blog. Having a place to vent my nuts-o-ness is very very helpful.

In addition to writing, reading is great therapy. I finally caught up on my Google Reader today (after a week long hiatus) and found that there are so many people facing the same struggles or who have overcome them. My reads always leave me inspired and relaxed. I figure I should stop taking that for granted...

Here's a taste of what I've been relating too and drawing strength from:

On Money:

FCN listed some *interesting* money making ideas...I'm not beyond considering some of them!

J.D. at Get Rich Slowly helped me avert some spending by considering these questions....well, he hasn't yet, but he will next time I leave the house. This should be really helpful in achieving my "don't by anything (even food) until you've exhausted all options already available at HOME" goal (more on my recent goals to come).

Free From Broke discussed using Google calendar to stay on top of bills. I used to do that but have neglected to track much of anything since losing my job in October. Time to shape up...not having a job should not = laziness and inefficiency!!

Leo at Zen Habits suggested some HUGE ways to save. Got me thinking about my car. I love, Love, LOVE it! But, given the fact that the payment alone eats up a huge chunk of my unemployment, I am finding it hard to justify keeping it for anything other than "I WANT". I really need to put some serious thought into this. Any opinions out there??

Kevin at lifehacker reminded me to get off my self-pittying butt and get on those credit card companies to help me take a load off!!

Revanche got me thinking about my own pride and insecurities about asking for/accepting financial help. Just being on unemployment makes me feel like a giant leach...and don't even get me started how much I feel like a gold-digging jerk for having a wonderfully patient BF who is happily helping me make it through this shitty economy. Now, if it ever comes to having to ask someone else for help...Jeebus help me, I might just explode!

On Productivity (or lack there-of):

Blunt Money hit the nail on the head. I am also guilty of putting off things that I don't understand; even more, I put off things that just seem overwhelming. This, of course, only makes them seem more and more unmanageable. Kind of like writing over the last couple weeks....

The Wisdom Journal really struck a cord with me in this post. I definitely see-saw between these two mindsets. Recently, though, I have been nothing but a feeler: I've let my fears and hardships cloud my life. Not good, not good.

Zen Habits guest post by UrbanMonk was incredibly motivating. I'm going to give his exercise a try and report back.

On my Career/Job/Future:

On the plus side - Squawkfox brightened my day by telling me my resume is actually in pretty good shape; being action-word laden and all!

Another one from Zen Habits that helped me out. Jonathan just put into writing all the things I already know about myself. I am frightened, insecure, and afraid of judgment ... and it's holding me back. I have a plan to overcome this...

J.D.'s post at Get Rich Slowly about Finding Jobs right now gave me a swift kick in the arse and reminded me that giving up is not an option.

FCN is helping me overcome some of that fear I keep talking about. I am starting to formulate a plan, and this post come into play when I work on it. (I'll fill you all in soon!)

On Health, Fitness, & Sanity:

Over at Paid Twice I'm reminded that despite my own "problems", others need support with theirs. This post inspired me to reevaluate my own goals AND stop being so selfish and narrow minded about my situation.

Totally relating to L.L. I spent a beautiful weekend on a beach with my BF while having Pink Eye! UGH!! Our intimacy consisted of him carefully grabbing my face and kissing the "healthy side" Sooooo romantic! lols

Ms. Caitlin inspired my yummy lunch today. Check out my food photo-journal in the sidebar.

I've also been drawing strength and support from One Little Fish. I hope she doesn't lose faith in people completely! We're still out there! *Hugs* and Strength, One Little Fish.

And, of course, some funnies:

Searching for the yeti lists 9 words women use. I am guilty! So going to try and get BF to comment on all of these! I'll report back ... *must find tape recorder*

My kitties heartily agree with this little cutey:

And there are soooo many more bloggers out there that I adore and read daily. Thank you all for having the courage to share your lives! :)

Unraveling

I just spent a good half an hour sitting in my car in a parking spot in front of the apartment bawling my eyes out. The 3 hours before that I spent at the gym doing yoga, a short run, and pilates. And 30 mins before that I found out I am, again, unemployed.

This is month 6. I have held it together. Small bouts of depression here and there, but so far I've pulled myself up and made it through. And I know I will again, but this time, it will be harder. This brief fling with work and having it snatched away again is breaking me.

Writing this is hard but, hopefully, therapeutic. The overwhelming flood of tears and disappointment is crushing. Walking up my stairs and through my door felt like a death sentence. The thought of telling BF the news feels like the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Clearly, my mind is out of whack right now.

Even as I type through the weeping, I know...this isn't so bad, BF and I have and will both deal with much more world crushing news. But I can't feel that. I feel like there is a 10 ton weight sitting on my chest making breathing quite a chore. I feel like the walls of my apartment are closing in. I want to pack my suitcase and book a flight back to the Midwest and curl up on the couch next to my mom, sister, and best friend. No words, I just want everyone else to disappear and leave me alone. I want the sun to hide and the rain to pour to match my mood and calm my nerves.

I don't mean to scare anyone...I just need to get this out so I don't breakdown completely...and I need some water....

Back from the Dead

Sorry I've been kinda MIA. Got a little down about the job hunt and dealt with the worst bout of PMS I've had in about 3 years. Cramps, irritability, extreme bloating....seriously, not sure why it hit me so bad this time!

ANYWAY, I'm Back :-D

...and with some good news! I have work! At least for the month of March, maybe more...
Even more exciting is that I am working with a good friend, former colleague, and mentor; so I am learning a TON!

Only difficult part (other than giving up all the "me time" I got used to since October) is working from home. It's nice in that I can get up and make healthy snacks and lunches etc when necessary and tend to little things that come up around the house. But my home no longer feels like a sanctuary, I feel a little like I am never really "off" for the day which makes it harder to relax in the evening and harder to focus when working. And it's putting a little strain on BF and me (but that's really just adjusting to the change)

I'm hoping over the next few weeks I'll find ways to make it more comfortable. First thought is a TV for our bedroom...

I've historically been against the TV in bedroom idea and BF has always really wanted one in there. And now I think it might not be a bad idea. Since my "office" area is kind of attached to the living room, it would be nice to be able to escape from it completely into another room to unwind and watch some TV.

Does anyone have any other thoughts on making a home office work in a 1 bedroom apartment?